The Style Invitational Week 773 Always Looking for
Sects
Saturday, July 12, 2008; C02
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when
you die, your soul is flung onto a roof and just stays there.
And perhaps that's where the
soul of the famously atheistic George Carlin is currently residing. If one can
believe a single phrase occurring in dozens of obviously copied Internet hits,
Carlin "invented the parody religion Frisbeetarianism for a newspaper
contest." Unfortunately, it wasn't ours. Fortunately, it's your turn: This
week: Coin a religion or belief system and tell us its basic tenet or
distinguishing characteristic.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Brides Behaving
Badly," a collection of wedding photos from what must have been the
alumnae of the Tonya Harding School of Elegant Deportment and Apparel.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com
or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 21. Put "Week
773" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam.
Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests
are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content.
Results will be published Aug. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of
The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for
prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was
suggested by devout Frisbeetarian Andrew Hoenig. The revised title for next
week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin
Dopart.
Report From Week 769, in which we asked for portmanteau words -- words combining two words
in which at least two letters overlap: Most people had no trouble noticing that
the words had to begin with a letter from S to Z; those who sent entries from
all over the alphabet (a group that may or may not include a Mr. Chuck Smith of
Woodbridge) should hold on to them for when we repeat this contest with other
letters, providing we are still here and all that.
Among the most common words
offered was "soporifiction," variously defined as the works of Henry
James, Dostoevski, Thoreau and Danielle Steel. A special telegraphy prize goes
to the (we swear) eight-time Loser who sent "Yodelegate: To delegate to
another the task of yodeling" AND "Sugarlic: Sugar stored next to a
bag of garlic" AND "Swedental: A Swedish dental plan."
5. Shamigo: A fair-weather
friend. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
4. Senescenterfold: The
highlight of the redesigned, retargeted AARP Magazine. (Bryan Crain, Modesto,
Calif.)
3. Tontology: If
you're the LONE Ranger, kemo sabe, then who am I? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
2. the winner of the plush
toy scissors labeled "moyel": Soldermatology: For when you really
want that facelift to last. (Patrick Mattimore, Gex, France)
And the Winner of the Inker
Treadmillstone: The unused
home gym that keeps staring at you. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
Bottomfoolery: Honorable Mentions
Storment: To interrupt the
"Lost" finale to broadcast weather warnings for some county 100 miles
away. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Stripper diem: Daily expense
allowance for conventioneers. (Pam Sweeney)
Satantrum: The toddler's
meltdown from Hell. (Bob Kurlantzick, Potomac)
Scarecrowd: A parade of
fashion models. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
Sebummer: A prom night zit.
(Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)
Semensch: The ideal sperm
donor. (Stacey Kenkermath, Alexandria)
Sepsisters: Siblings whose
relationship is beyond dysfunctional. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
Shishkabul: The grilling of
prisoners in Afghanistan. (Dave Prevar)
Siblingo: The secret language
spoken between twins. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney)
Simpledge: "Yes."
(Dave Prevar)
Slothario: A man who lures
women to bed just to sleep. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Patrick Mattimore)
Spamputate: To delete the
entire junk mail basket. (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv)
Spinacheerios: A healthy
cereal that didn't prove very popular with children. (Emery Walters, Reston, a
First Offender)
Spongeneration: The
move-back-home Gen-Y. (Dave Prevar)
Springsteenchilada: Even if
you weren't born to run, you'll run. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.)
Stigmatata: The disgrace of a
teenage girl caught stuffing Kleenex in her bra. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Substandardize: Bring
everything down to the lowest common denominator. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg,
Pa.)
Sudafederales: Brave agents
who protect our nation from smuggled foreign cold medicines. (Pam Sweeney)
Successpool: Where you have
to go to get filthy rich. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
Syphilisterine: For when bad
breath is the least of your problems. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.)
Tattoops: "It's supposed
to be ROSE, not ROSS!" (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Testosteronearsighted: Having
an affliction that prevents men from seeing dirty dishes in the sink. (Kathy
Hardis Fraeman)
Theologymnasts: Those who
perform amazing leaps and twists of logic to make Scripture seem to justify
their political views. (David Komornik)
Thesaurustic : A charmingly
simple dictionary; coarse; lacking refinement; unsophisticated. (John O'Byrne,
Dublin)
Threnodynamics: The art of
putting on a lively funeral. (Lars Wiberg, Rockport, Mass., a First Offender)
Timpanini: Italian drum
rolls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Warmadillo: Fresh Texan
roadkill. (Kevin Dopart)
Tornadolescence: An
unpredictable, destructive force of nature that can leave houses in shambles;
i.e., adolescence in general. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Torquemadam: The
head dominatrix. (Chris Doyle)
Wiretapestry: The drapes in
the FBI building. (Rick Haynes)
Twelfthirsty: The time when
the women at the bar begin to look better. (Michael Mason, Fairfax)
Ungodlyricist: A
sinner-songwriter. (Marc Boysworth, Burke)
Undressay: "Dear
Penthouse Forum . . ." (Marc Boysworth)
Upholsteroid: An overstuffed
recliner that takes up half the family room. (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville,
Md.)
Wonderbrahman:
Director of costume design for Frederick's of Bollywood. (Chris Doyle)
Urinalmost: What results from
the "ready-fire-aim" approach. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)
Velcro-Magnon: The cretin at
the party who just won't leave you alone. (Pam Sweeney)
Vermillionaire: A guy who
drives a Bentley but whose accounts are deep in the red. (Russell Beland)
Viagrarian: A farmer who can
plow the land for four hours without stopping to rest. (Roy Ashley)
Virtuoso-so: One who gives a
surprisingly disappointing performance. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Vituperationalize: To justify
one's harsh criticism of others, particularly in an election year. "We
meant only to educate the voters about my opponent's lack of patriotism,"
the candidate vituperationalized. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)
Vomitzvah: A fraternity
initiation rite. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Whalecher: A man who peeks
into the dressing rooms at Lane Bryant. (Emery Walters)
Whomily: A lecture
on the moral rightness of good grammar. (Chris Doyle)
Worshippodrome: A megachurch.
(John O'Byrne)
Xenamby-pamby: The Warrior
Princess's prissy sister. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Yiddishabille: Same black
suit and black hat, but no shirt. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)
Zentertainer: A performer who
receives applause only in the form of one hand clapping. (Brian Herget,
Annandale, whose only previous ink was in 1996, when he won a T-shirt)
Note: The "genuine, if
nonworking, geiger counter" we offered as the runner-up prize last week
turns out to be a genuine, and possibly working, ionization chamber, according
to reader Stu Newman of Bowie. This device measures roentgens of radiation, 1,000
times the strength of the milliroentgens that a geiger counter counts. So
"I'm certainly glad that the donor's husband failed to get any
measurements with that device," Stu says.
Next Week: A Knack for Anachronism, or History in the
Mocking